I wonder...


I read stories that pull my heart from my body.

I feel each mother's pain.

I feel my own pain. It will never leave me. I know this to be true.

I have carried 32 embryos in 16 IVF treatments. Some for only days. Some for a few weeks. Some for months. I have been a mother for 9 weeks, 10 weeks, 13 weeks, and for 15 weeks. I have have been pregnant 4 times. I have lost 7 babies.

I have put on my "happy face" and was a good friend to my good friends on the birth of their children.

My best friend has had 3 children through IVF.
She started IVF after I did. Her oldest is now 7. I was at her baby's christening 3 days after I lost our twins at 13 weeks. I thought if I didn't go I would never go.

I see children everyday. I see mothers everyday. I see mothers pregnant everyday. I teach young children everyday. And I am so excited for them and rejoice in their pregnancies and delight in their children's birth.

And I cry in secret everyday. Everyday.

I wonder if I should have stopped before number 16. But while there was hope......

I wonder if I should have done something differently but.......

I only ate organic food; I turned off the power at the box every night; I didn't have a bath for 6years; I took my many, many expensive vitamins every day; I only drank organic fresh vegetable juice I made; I only ate food I prepared; I didn't use the microwave; I didn't reheat food; I only used organic soap for cleaning; I eliminated all chemicals; I stopped using the computer; I walked everyday; I had acupuncture twice a week for 2 years; I continued at the gym, I cut back at the gym, I stopped the gym; I saw a psychologist and a Chinese herbalist and a counsellor and a NLP facilitator and a sala dancer instructor; I stopped drinking my 4 glasses of wine a week; I started drinking more than my 4 glasses of wine a week; I only ate organic fair trade chocolate; I burned essential oils; I read romance novels; I read pregnancy and childbirth books; I read "The Secret" 5 times and I watched the DVD more times than I can remember; I imagined I was pregnant and I! imagined I was a mother with a baby in my arms; I heard "What a Wonderful World" (that was played at my wedding) as I was under a anaesthetic having my eggs retrieved and I believed this was a sign; I believed there were no signs; I prayed; I chose not to believe; I willed myself fertile and pregnant; I listened to Oprah and I wrote in my gratitude journal every night; I surrounded myself with pregnant friends and those with children; I stayed away from pregnant friends and those with children; I followed every doctor's, naturopath's, counsellor's, psychologist's, Chinese herbalist's, clairvoyant's, friend's, acquaintance's, magazine's, TV celebrities' and old wives tales advice; I stopped trying to fall pregnant; I dedicated very essence of my being to falling pregnant; I decorated the baby's room; I didn't decorate the baby's room; I investigated egg donors here and overseas; I investigated adoption; I tried a natural fertility program for 2.5 years; I tried fertility drugs for 1 year; I put my life on hold; I lived my life as if there was no tomorrow; I laughed; I cried; I curled up in bed and didn't get up; I did more things than I can remember; I ate a high protein diet; I relaxed; I stressed out; I relaxed again; I stressed out even more; I was empty; I was consumed; I jumped out of bed and seized the day; I didn't buy clothes as I thought soon I wouldn't fit them; I bought clothes hoping soon I won't fit them; I embraced my family and friends; I isolated my family and friends; I loved; I hated; I was admitted to the maternity ward when I had my first miscarriage with the twins at 15 weeks; I cried; I tried not to cry; I prayed; I only told my mum once I was pregnant; I told my 2 best friends twice I was pregnant; I believed; I didn't believe: I tried to forget; can never forget; I thought I didn't deserve to have a baby; I thought I did something very bad in my life; I was positive; I was negative; I was positive again; I said affirmations; I searched my daily stars; I looked for more signs - even very small ones; I listened; I covered my ears and yelled to drown out the world; I knew I lived a good life; I lost my way; I found it again; I lost my way again; I loved myself more; I despised myself; I thought I was ok; I was the best wife; I was the worst wife; I was whatever I was told to be; I am now someone I don't know anymore........

I never gave up hope until there was no hope - ever.

I have had the support of my beautiful husband who has two children in their 30's. He's only 52 and I have only known him for 10 years.

I am not the person I was and I don't know who I am supposed to be anymore.

I wonder all the time. I had one natural pregnancy. Did I do the right thing continuing IVF ...16 times... 32 embryos...how do you really know when to give up hope? Should I have tried number 17? Should I have stopped at number 3? Should I try again.

I wonder if I will ever see my babies. I wonder if I caused their death. I wonder if I did something better would they be here with me today. I wonder if I was a mother. I wonder how I will keep going now we have decided to stop? I wonder what to do with my life? I wonder what is the meaning of my life? I think there is no meaning. I think too much.

Submitted anonymously


Photo source: foxspain

4 comments:

Barbara said...

Dear Annonymous

I just wanted to send you love and a wish for peace.

xxx

Anonymous said...

My heart breaks for you and I understand every thought and feeling you have had. One of my dearest friends is walking your path right now. Love and peace to you - you did everything right, sometimes it's not meant to be and that simply is not fair.

Anonymous said...

Dear Anonymous,
I have wondered if anyone would share who had lost a whole bunch of precious little souls. I stopped counting, it seemed ridiculous!
I have been fortunate to have many children, but they don't fill the gap where the others should be. Don't get me wrong, I am exceedingly grateful for them all. My heart breaks for you who would love to have one to hold and care for, to carry all the way as so many take for granted.
Please be gentle on yourself, you did nothing wrong.

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This. This is exactly why I decided to start blogging. It can be very isolating being home with babies, even if you get out and do stuff each day. It is so nice to read about another woman going through it too!