That was the news I got yesterday when I went for an ultrasound.
I was six weeks pregnant.
The doctor said he knew things weren’t quite right before he even did the ultrasound, based on my lab work alone. I’ve already had bloodwork done three times since last Thursday. (I also went for an ultrasound last week, per doctor’s orders, but they couldn’t see anything yet.)
Obviously, I was upset with this news. I had been crazy tired, which always happens to me in early pregnancy. A little bit queasy. But there were no obvious signs that anything was wrong, as there had been in my previous miscarriages.
Nevertheless, I wasn’t completely surprised by the news of this miscarriage. The odds weren’t exactly in our favor.
Because if you’ve been keeping track…
Miscarriage at 5 weeks, December 2006
Finley was born, August 31, 2007
Miscarriage at 12 weeks, with resulting D & C, August 2009
Ruptured ectopic pregnancy (with removal of left tube and a chunk of my uterus), December 2009
Miscarriage at 6 weeks, March 2010.
The doctor said repeatedly that I didn’t do anything wrong. That it isn’t my fault that this happened.
But at the same time, I was thinking….
Maybe I shouldn’t have taken that Amoxocillin and Tylenol for my sinus infection, even though both my family doctor and OB said it was safe for early pregnancy.
Maybe I shouldn’t have been drinking even the DECAF coffee (because it still has a little bit of caffeine).
Maybe I should have eaten more veggies.
Maybe it’s because I’m overweight. (Though my BP and cholesterol are a-ok, and my doctor said that this shouldn’t make a big difference…)
Maybe I should have exercised more.
Maybe I should have done less and relaxed more.
Maybe I shouldn’t have lost my cool and yelled at Finn yesterday.
Maybe this is God’s way of telling me that we’re only meant to have one child.
Maybe we should have waited longer after the ruptured ectopic. They did take a wedge out of my uterus, after all. After the doctor told me that the pregnancy wasn’t viable, he also said that it is probably for the best. That maybe it was too soon after the ruptured ectopic and that I should let my uterus heal a little longer before trying again. (Wait! Didn’t he also say that I didn’t do anything wrong? And tell me that it was okay to go ahead and try again back in January?! Way to make me feel guilty.)
I think The Picky Apple and I (and the doctor, too) were surprised by how quickly I was able to get pregnant again. We figured it would take a little longer since I am down a tube. But apparently not.
And clearly it doesn’t matter anyway, if I can’t STAY pregnant.
For now, we’re taking a 6 month break. Then we’ll decide where to go from here.
Neither one of us has felt a strong urge to have a large family. I was always okay with 2 kids. But then after The Littlest Apple was born, it took us a while to decide we wanted a second child. It would be nice to have another child, but I don’t think either of us feels like our family won’t be complete until we have a second child. We might be okay with just one.
My doctor isn’t ready to send us for testing just yet. Nor has he said that we won’t be able to have more kids. But how much more can I really take, emotionally and physically?
And if this keeps happening, THEN what? I don’t think IVF or fertility treatments would really help, since fertility isn’t the problem. Surrogacy? Not sure if I want to go there. Adoption? Not sure about that either.
It’s starting to become more and more clear to me just how much of a miracle it is that we have The Littlest Apple. His name, which means “fair haired warrior” is SO appropriate, don’t you think?
Maybe one child is enough for us.
It is for now, anyway.
This post was first published by Cara on her blog, The Picky Apple, on 19th March 2010.
Losing a baby can feel like the most isolating experience in the world and it is something we often don’t talk openly about. If we can let one mother (or father or grandmother) know that she is not alone in her grief, then that is a good thing. You can help us support families experiencing baby loss by submitting your story, by leaving a comment below, and by sharing this post on Facebook or Twitter.