It was the 6th of September when I went for the O&G check up after a week of spotting and leakage. The nurse advised me to get a scan from the O&G. I have never felt so anxious while waiting and since I could sense that something is not right about this pregnancy, I felt even more anxious. I can only pray...
When I was called into the Gynecologist room, I told the whole situation to her and up to the examination bed to get my scan. The 1st scan (abdomen scan) failed to trace the fetus's heartbeat and it was confirmed by the 2nd scan through the vaginal. My heart dropped upon hearing this and I was ALONE! The gynecologist said I need to do a D&C immediately to avoid any infection since the fetus has died in 7 weeks old although through her scan it showed 8th week.
I cried when I called hubby but what needed to be done, need to be done fast. I signed the consent letter and then admitted.
The process was fast! It happened just like a blink of eyes - when I was conscious, it was DONE. My baby has gone! I was too tired to think or be sad about it... what I could do is just talked about the future plan with hubby as I lay down in the ward. And my mind was thinking about my lil Maximus. I miss him so much at the moment and wanted to hold him close in my arms.
It's just a feeling of loosing something precious and I guess Maximus is the one whom I hold preciously. But God is good...and He is good all the time.
Through this time of trial, I cling unto Him for His Mighty strength. I found strength in Him... thus I was able to control my emotion. When I went home, I has the comfort of Maximus, hubby and also my mother. It's a feeling for warm and secure.
Late at night, we had our bed-time bonding with Maximus. Low and behold, he uttered the word "No more baby'" and it surprised us! I guess my lil guy here know what has happened. He was aware or somehow in his spirit he was connected to us.
Well... I was relief when he uttered those words and it seems a confirmation to me that I have to accept this fact. So I surrender it to God and let him plan for our next one.
This post was first published on Danielle's blog, Reflection of Life, on September 9th, 2010.
Losing a baby can feel like the most isolating experience in the world and it is something we often don’t talk openly about. If we can let one mother (or father or grandmother) know that she is not alone in her grief, then that is a good thing. You can help us support families experiencing baby loss by submitting your story, by leaving a comment below, and by sharing this post on Facebook or Twitter.