A Difficult Story to Tell

In 2008, on the 1st of December, we found out that we were expecting Baby #3.

It was a total shock, but what made it even more shocking was that we were so far along, way into our second trimester. Well, it was not meant to be.

I started to miscarry on December 18th and was in the hospital for much of the time until December 24th.  Found out that I was 20 weeks...devastating to lose a baby so far along, but yet, it was not far along to have a funeral for a fully formed little one.

But just wish that people would be more sensitive...

People who make comments they think will help but don't are the ones who say things like:
"I know how you feel. my cat died and I miss him"...No offense to cat lovers but losing a cat and losing a baby are not the same thing.

or " Well, it probably would have been deformed or had some serious handicaps and so really, God did you a favor"...this is not what someone wants to hear who has lost a baby...it is not comforting to hear this in any way whatsoever.

or " You were that far along and you didn't even know you were pregnant? What is wrong with you?!? No wonder you lost the baby, if you were so out of tune with your body to know that you were pregnant"! That is not only unhelpful, it is mean.
I was having what I thought were periods but turned out to be spotting. I had called my mom to ask about maybe if I could be going through early menopause, or maybe it was just due to the stress of having to move...
I had gained some weight, but not much...we were in the process of moving so it was not that surprising that my back hurt and that I seemed tired, etc.

Also, doing things like calling to ask why Christmas presents were just sent in a plain box versus having each present individually wrapped and not even acknowledging that the sender had just lost  a baby...Totally insensitive...

I know all three of these from personal experience that some people decided to make these comments to me.

It is going to take a while for me to let these feelings of anger go against the insensitive people who made these comments. It may take a lifetime to fully get over losing a baby at 20 weeks, but I have to get over it and have a new normal or else it will hinder my life and those around me.I have to work at living for the here and now...for my darling boys and wonderful husband who need me to be fully living for today, not dwelling on this most difficult time from our recent past...

I am hoping to create some sort of memory ornament for the tree, but that has to be it...after that I need to live in the present and be happy for our two little blessings who are here with us.
Colleen's memory ornament, which is engraved on the back
Big Bro was really affected by the miscarriage last year. He was so angry and sad when I came home sans baby, as we unfortunately had shared our joy and delight about the news that we were expecting. He so wanted to have another baby in our home.
He has worked through his emotions, with the help of a play therapist, and at the therapist's suggestion last year, we got a puppy.
Let me tell you, a puppy does not fill the void for a grieving mommy or daddy, although it did seem to help our sons.

So I am trying to keep very positive but today has been a rough day...
Just trying to continually remind myself of how nice our life is and how wonderful the boys and my dear hubby are to me.

Well, I just had to get it out there. I have not been able to really speak of how devastating it was but now, I have said it and am gearing up to embrace life in the present and the wondrous Christmas season that is unfolding.
I need to feel peace and joy in my soul and I need to be grateful for the gifts from God all around us. Just still don't know why it was not meant to be...that is the burning million dollar question that has to be put to rest in order to enjoy the holidays. I just have to think that it was not meant to be and not dwell on the why part...

Here's wishing that this is a wonderful happy holiday time here in our home and at your home, too.

For anyone else grieving, my thoughts and prayers are with you, too.

This post was originally published on Colleen's blog, Sunrise Learning Lab.


Anonymous said...

I am sorry for your loss and people being so insensitive. xo

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry to hear of you loss and the hurt and suffering you are experiencing.

Please understand that those around you love you and whilst their comments may feel insensitive, they are, in their own little way, just trying to offer comfort the only way they know how (not having gone throught what you have).

I have read many similar posts to yours where those grieving feel anger and resentment towards others comments. So much so that I honestly don't know what to say to a friend of mine who is going through a similar thing. I'm TOO scared to "put my foot in it", "say something wrong" or inadvertently "be insensitive" - none of which I would do with intent. So I stay silent. Which is worse, which would you prefer? By staying silent I am also deemed to be insensitive according to another grieving mother.

I'm not saying what you have said to you is insensitive or not. Just don't be so harsh on those close to you for trying to offer support. They will never understand the level of grief you feel so please don't push them away or hold a grudge for their mistake.

We all grieve and work through this process in our own way. Others are not to know how and where you are in this process. They are just trying to make you feel better, even if they can't.

Jessica said...

Thinking of you...I hope the new year is bringing you some comfort.

I hate that I found your blog because we both have experienced tragedies, but I am grateful that you have shared so much. You could probably care less right now, but as a way of saying thanks for putting yourself out there, I am sharing a blog award with you. You can see it over on my blog. Thank you!!!

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