Remembering Angels

I am sorry that I have been missing from this precious space over the past few weeks. As my due date has approached it has been difficult for me to be here. As I have been contemplating how I will remember our son this week, I asked a dear friend, Lani of Me & Boo - who is much further along this journey - to share how she remembers on significant dates...

The lovely Christie has a significant date coming up this week. Instead of celebrating the birth of her second child, she will be thinking of the baby that should have been a physical part of her family, rather than the baby who has been lost* but will forever live in her heart.

Her Angel Baby.

I am sure Christie and her family will create their own traditions for remembering/recognising significant dates. However she chooses to remember her Angel, will be right for her. There is no right way or wrong way.
I have my own traditions for remembering my Angel Kai. They involve lots of tears about those lost dreams I had for him.

Yellow roses play a large part in remembering my little boy. They have always been a favourite of mine, and when Kai was born I received a couple of bouquets of yellow roses. I have 2 yellow rose bushes in the garden and when they’re in bloom I often spend at least a few minutes looking at them everyday, thinking about Kai, 'the what could haves' and the 'what should have beens.'

On Kai’s birthday, I always have yellow roses in the house. I HAVE to have yellow roses in the house on that day. I remember literally hunting the city (with an 11 month old in tow) for yellow roses on Kai’s 2nd birthday/anniversary. There was a shortage of them. Each florist I went to, I became more panicked and anxious as they said ‘No.’ I found some eventually, and immediately felt more at peace.

I have a memory box that comes out on Kai’s birth date. I allow myself to sit and cry with it for a long time and take out all the things that remind me he was real. The box contains my ultrasound pictures, Kai’s tiny hand and foot prints, photos, cards from people who cared, a guardian angel, some pressed yellow roses, the handmade quilt and heart that were in Kai’s moses basket in the hospital, a recognition of life certificate, 2 teddy bears I was given, the little blue box Kai’s ashes were in, and a blue bunny. I bought the blue ‘Baby’s 1st Bunny’ when I first found out I was pregnant. It is exactly the same size as Kai was when he was born.
Boo (who is now 5 years old) in the last year or so, has become aware of the memory box. She often asks if we can get Kai’s box down and look at his things. We do this together, and we talk about Kai and how he’s our special Angel.

I always go to the beach on Kai’s birth date. It is where I spent much of my bonding time with him, and much of my grieving time. It is also where his ashes were released in a blue helium balloon. Until Kai’s 6th anniversary, I’ve always taken the day off work. Last year, it just wasn’t a possibility, though I didn’t achieve much work.
Kai’s actual due date never passes me by unnoticed. The first 2 years that date was tough, and I spent it much as I spend Kai’s birth date. However over time, my due date has faded in significance. I have slowly come to realise that even if he was well, and I had a term pregnancy, he probably would not have been born on that date.

I wish Christie and her family much love in the coming weeks.

* I don’t really like using the word lost for angel babies because we know where they are, but I don’t have a better word.


How do you remember on significant dates?

Read Kai's story here.

4 comments:

Glowless @ Where's My Glow said...

Just beautiful, Lani. I've read Kai's story a few times but never known what to say. So heartbreaking.

I've also drafted my own submission for this site many times and never managed to hit send because it seems to pale in comparison to some of the other stories...

Thinking of you Christie x

Toyin O. said...

Thanks for sharing this touching story:)

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